A New Year, A New Beginning...

I think I'm beginnig t get very jaded in my outlook on life. I used to be idealistic, hopeful, and ambitious. Now that I'm older, overeducated, and underemployed, I feel that all of my energy and idealism was wasted and misguided. I've always felt that there was something that I could do that would help humanity in some way. I just needed to discover what it was. I guess I still haven't figured it out. Maybe I never will. I find myself a substitute teacher and while I do other things I feel like there has to be more.

Being a substitute teacher really sucks. I fill in for the "real" teacher and put up with enormous amounts of garbage from kids. I have no security and never know what my schedule will be. Will I have enough money this month to pay my bills, or will I have to negotiate with those I owe money as to when I will pay them.

Why must our lives be defined by our employment anyway? How does what a person does for money be their self worth? I hate that I feel totally powerless in my professional life and that is supposed to be what defines me.

I am a mother, an intelligent woman, who does everything she can to help other people. My major fault is that I am not pushy. I don't put myself out there to be noticed by the powers that be. I like being in the shadows... the limelight kind of freaks me out. I'm not shy, I just like to do what I need to do and not be bothered with any foolishness. I work hard and do the best job I can. The problem is that there are hundreds of other people who are also doing a good job, but make themselves noticed.

I guess I have a New Year`s resolution: Try to get myself noticed. I really don`t like being noticed and I don`t kiss anyone`s ass, but I need a full time job. I guess I have to do what I have to do...

I`m still not kissing ass though.

Holidays

Christmas vacation.

What a wonderful thing, right? In theory it is, but when you get down to the nitty gritty, its not such a fantastic time, is it?

Christmas is excessive, expensive, overdone, too much food, too much family, too much everything. And what exactly does it mean to someone who doesn't believe in God and Jesus and the whole Christianity thing? Sure, I was brought up Christian, but I have since come to other conclusions. I respect all religious beliefs and do not judge people based on that, but I expect the same respect as a non believer. Live and let live.

So, Christmas has very little to do with religion in my world and from what I see, it has very little to do with religion overall. Even those in my life who are religious, Christmas is all about the food and the presents, with a little family time thrown in. They may go to a Christmas church service, but then continue on with the shopping and the presents.

I find myself disgusted with the excessiveness of it all. Having a toddler, and witnessing her excitement and awe of it all, was wonderful. But, at the same time, I felt as though I was grooming her for a life of over consumption and greed. My child now has more toys than any child should have and she doesn't even play with half of them. And we were even modest in our present giving this year.

Why, when I am not a Christian, do I celebrate Christmas? I think the answer to that is because I always have, and everyone else does. It has become a custom and I'm not sure how I can make a change. Every year my husband and I talk about only buying a few presents for the kids in both of our families. And, every year it turns into more. We feel obligated to participate.

Obligation.

Then there is the waste. The excessive packaging, the wrapping paper, the spoiled food. It makes me sad. It makes me realize that Christmas is all about the ecomony, like everything else. It is a ritual that keeps us going for the rest of the year. It makes us spend money so that the money keeps on moving around. It makes me feel like a pawn. Like I'm just going through the prescribed actions which I am expected to do. What is the alternative?

Oh Come On! So what if it has become hegemonic ritual that was modified by the early Christians form an ancient Pagan ritual. Christmas is fun! Get over it!

Being Sick

I'm sick. I have a terrible cold; a nasty cough and stuffed nose. Not to mention the lethargy.

Big deal if you have sick days. When you don't have sick days and get called in to work, well, you go.

And you smile when you get to the office to check in to the school and pretend that nothing is wrong. You hope to hell that you don't start coughing and not be able to stop and make it through the day without completely losing your cool. You've got to just suck up feeling like garbage all day long. Oh yeah, and you heavily medicate.

I've always been one of those people who likes to use rest and natural remedies to heal my body. However, when it comes to the need of pushing on because you really have no choice, I will do whatever to mask my symptoms and rest later. Not great for my body or my mind. But neither is not working or getting paid.

Its funny though how the kids actually understand when you aren't feeling well and give you a bit of a break. I was at a school which I have a bit of a history. I know the kids well and they know how much they can push me. In one of my classes there were these two girls who are total clowns. They never do their work, they goof off and try to charm the teacher to get away with it. It works on me because, well, I'm a substitute. I'm there for the short term and if a kid is going to refuse to work while I'm there, its not my problem. At least in high school. Lower grades are different. High school kids are mature enough to know consequences and that if they don't do the work they don't pass the course. I push them, but there is always one or two that just won't work. Anyway, these two girls were up to their usual antics. I just told them: I'm sick, I'm grumpy, and I'm not up for the foolishness today. They were actually pretty good. They didn't really do any work, but they didn't hide under their desks or play games on their computers.

At least I have a weekend to rest and recover.... or not. I'm still sick. My daughter is sick. My husband is sick. So there really is no resting because I'm too busy taking care of everyone else. Maybe I'll make a batch of chicken noodle soup. With any luck I can rest on Monday when he goes to work and my daughter will be well enough for daycare.

The search begins, again

I just finished a stint of about a week and a half teaching for one teacher. She was out sick and fortunately for her, she is feeling better. Not so nice for me. It was a pretty nice run with a great group of kids and a fantastic school. I'm sad that it is over, because now I have to scurry around to find more work. There is so little out there right now.

Monday was wild. Something about a full moon really brings out the crazy in kids. They always say that people get weird on a full moon and I never really believed it until I started teaching. The good kids are unruly and the bad ones are unreal. There were no super crazy incidents, just a noisey, uncontrolled, wild day. I find those days frustrating because it really puts a damper on your classroom management self-esteem. For the most part, the kids did their work and only a few gave me a hard time, but it was just overall mayhem. I had to be super tough, which tends to put me in a bad mood.

The good thing about being a sub is that I don't have to see the rotten kids again, unless, of course, I get called to that school again. Hopefully I do because, like I said before, it seems like just when you start to get to know the kid's names, you are done. It is so nice going into a classroom when you know the kid's names. They just behave better because they know they are accountable for their behaviour. I had one kid come right up to me, talk to me for a while, tell me her name and even point it out on the attendance sheet. She was absolutely rotten in class and I had to write up a report about her. Then I found out three days later that she had switched names with another student! A different student in the class told me about it. Turns out, she did the same thing to her regular teacher at the beginning of the year.

So I've had a couple of days off to get my house straightened up a little, caught up on the laundry and other work. I have another couple of days of work lined up, but it's never enough. I have many resumes for full time jobs out there and have not heard back from anyone. It is depressing. I don't really know what else I can do. I guess my day will come, I just need to be patient. If only the bill collectors were as patient as I must be.

Cheers.

Disposible Me

I find it frustrating when you go into the classroom in the morning and a note says: "Good Morning Supply".

Especially when the teacher whom you are in for knows you are the one who will be there.

I really shouldn't complain. At least there WAS a note and a plan. It has happened several times before that I have arrived in the morning to find one line written for the entire day. I've also had the delightful experience of having to call the teacher upon arrival who proceeds to rattle off a plan over the phone. Then you must search  through their classroom and belonging in a panic for the things that you need for the day. The readings, the books, or the movie are always in some obscure locale that you must root through and hope that you can find it before the class starts. I guess being an anonymous, nameless "supply" is better than that.

I think I get my nose out of joint because I believe that I should be further along in this game. I'm 35. I have three university degrees and a college diploma and I am a stinking substitute teacher. I feel disposible and quite frankly, I am. There are hundreds of substitute teachers in this area. I am on every list possible and I get few calls. I've gone to schools, introduced myself, distributed my resume etc, etc, etc.... I just don't know the right people.

In the past, I have been high up on a few school's lists. It's funny how, just when you've learned many of the students names and start to think "Excellent, I'm one of their main substitiutes. I just may get my bills caught up", they stop calling. Someone else has come along and taken your place. Then there you are, scrounging for work again.

Like I said: Disposible. I'm a substitute. I'm there when you need me and forgotten when you don't.

A day's work

I really hate to say this, but it felt good to go back to work today and not have to deal with potty training for a while. It is getting better though, but is still quite frustrating.

I received an early morning call to work which has already turned into three days of work. It was from my current favourite school. As a sub, I get the opportunity to see the workings of many different schools. They all run things differently and I find it good for my own growth as a teacher to see different methods so I can figure out my own. When I eventually find a job, I'll have it all figured out... right?

So far I have discovered that I enjoy middle school. The kids are still kids.  Most of my experience has been in high school and I find high school kids can be just plain mean. They are kids that think they are adults. They think they know everything and the teacher, especially the sub, is dumber than a brick. Middle school kids seem to enjoy having a sub as it is like a day off. Sometimes they play the usual pranks like name switcharoo, but for the most part they are pretty good.

Today was a good day. I only had one behaviour issue in one class. I think I handled it alright. It was art class and I found one chap tracing his drawing. Now I explicitly said "No Tracing". I had to ask him to stop twice and the second time, he got very rude and spoke back to me. I asked him to leave the classroom and he refused. A TA had to help me get him out of the room. When I had him outside of the room I tried to talk to him about his behaviour and he just became beligerent. So I made him stay in the hallway for the remainder of the class. When the period ended he came to the door. I spoke to him in the hallway again and asked if he had anything he would like to say. He appologized. I asked if he understood why he was asked to leave the classroom and he simply looked at me. So I told him why and then let him go. Hopefully the next time I see this lad things will be different.

There was a Rememberance Day assembly for one of the periods. It was a nice ceremony and the kids were all very respectful and well behaved. I did learn something today about middle school: When taking a class down to the gym, insist on a line and good behaviour in the hallway. Yes, I know, its obvious now! I guess I assumed that they would be like high school kids and just walk to the gym, but no..... they were like monkeys. Running and swinging through the hallways, yelling and carrying on. I was completely embarrassed when I saw the other teachers arriving in nice quiet lines.

Live and learn. Next time will be different.

When I arrived home the dog had done her business on the floor. And here I thought that with the baby in daycare I'd be off the hook.

Rainy Mondays

I never get called in to teach on a Monday. It seems to be a fact of life. This Monday though, it is a good thing since I am on Day 3 of potty training my daughter. How's it going? please don't ask.

I've been reading through blogs, simply out of curiosity. It is a new thing for me and I must say, it is very bizarre. I feel almost creepy looking through stranger's family and baby pictures, reading their thoughts and feelings on, sometimes, very personal subjects. It is actually making me want to quit now before I really get into this.

Some of the blogs out there are really great, though. Interesting thoughts on life or current events, creativity, artwork and stories to follow.

Now I realize that everyone needs an outlet and good for you for finding yours, hey I am writing a blog too. But, holy crap people! Yes, your babies are cute and do cute and funny things. And yes, your family looks beautiful, but a public blog? Do you really want strangers looking through your family's lives? Knowing the names of your children and what they look like?

Me, I have a photo album. Remember those? You get prints made and make a book that you can look through when you are feeling nostalgic. Need to share photos easily with family from afar? I have a private facebook account that only my friends and family can access should they choose.

Now the music, well, frankly, it just shouldn't be allowed. It is just plain awful. Nothing makes me click away faster that your idea of mood or theme music. It is just wrong.

Perhaps I am just cranky. I have been cooped up in the house for three days potty training a two year old that thinks it is just hilarious to pee on the floor.

But really, the music has got to go.