I think I'm beginnig t get very jaded in my outlook on life. I used to be idealistic, hopeful, and ambitious. Now that I'm older, overeducated, and underemployed, I feel that all of my energy and idealism was wasted and misguided. I've always felt that there was something that I could do that would help humanity in some way. I just needed to discover what it was. I guess I still haven't figured it out. Maybe I never will. I find myself a substitute teacher and while I do other things I feel like there has to be more.
Being a substitute teacher really sucks. I fill in for the "real" teacher and put up with enormous amounts of garbage from kids. I have no security and never know what my schedule will be. Will I have enough money this month to pay my bills, or will I have to negotiate with those I owe money as to when I will pay them.
Why must our lives be defined by our employment anyway? How does what a person does for money be their self worth? I hate that I feel totally powerless in my professional life and that is supposed to be what defines me.
I am a mother, an intelligent woman, who does everything she can to help other people. My major fault is that I am not pushy. I don't put myself out there to be noticed by the powers that be. I like being in the shadows... the limelight kind of freaks me out. I'm not shy, I just like to do what I need to do and not be bothered with any foolishness. I work hard and do the best job I can. The problem is that there are hundreds of other people who are also doing a good job, but make themselves noticed.
I guess I have a New Year`s resolution: Try to get myself noticed. I really don`t like being noticed and I don`t kiss anyone`s ass, but I need a full time job. I guess I have to do what I have to do...
I`m still not kissing ass though.
